


The $5.98 Fanfiction: The Group Chat Re-Revisited

by thrashmental



Category: Metallica
Genre: Band Fic, Group chat, Random - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 13:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13718532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thrashmental/pseuds/thrashmental
Summary: Lars is desperate to talk to his buddies... at three in the morning.





	1. Chapter 1

Usernames:

James: coorzlite83  
Lars: danishcookie69  
Kirk: monsterfan666  
Cliff: basshredder


	2. 3 AM Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars is desperate to talk to his buddies... at three in the morning.

danishcookie69 has added basshredder, coorzlite83 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

danishcookie69: HELLO MY MAGNIFICENT FRIENDS

basshredder: Lars please I'm trying to sleep.

monsterfan666: lars it's three in the fucking morning do you have anything better to do

danishcookie69: IVE BEEN WORKING ON SOME NEW BEATS DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR

monsterfan666: no nobody wants to hear jesus christ we're seeing each other tomorrow show us then

danishcookie69: YEAH BUT I WANT TO SHOW YOU NOW

basshredder: Nobody wants to hear it, Lars.

danishcookie69: WHY DONT YOU GO JUMP OFF A

danishcookie69: CLIFF

monsterfan666: lars please sleep

danishcookie69: IM NOT SLEEPING UNTIL JAMES SAYS SOMETHING IN THE CHAT

basshredder: James is asleep. Please stop texting. Goodnight.

basshredder has left the conversation.

monsterfan666: haha what're you gonna do now

danishcookie69: TALK TO YOU I GUESS

monsterfan666: lol no I'm going to sleep see ya

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: WELL UNLESS JAMES WAKES UP I SUPPOSE IM ALL BY MYSELF

danishcookie69: NO LIFE TIL LEATHER   
WE'RE GONNA KICK YOUR ASS TONIGHT  
WE GOT THAT METAL MADNESS WHEN OUR FANS START SCREAMING  
ITS RIGHT WELL ALRIGHT  
WHEN WE START TO ROCK  
WE NEVER WANT TO STOP AGAIN

coorzlight83: HIT THE LITEZ!!!  
HIT THE LITEZ!!!  
HIT THE LITEZ!!!

danishcookie69: JAMES YOURE AWAKE

coorzlite83: no actually im tired az fuck i just wanted to shut you up so i can sleep lol xD !1! anywayz goodnight larz

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: DAMMIT

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.


	3. Craps Lock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars asks for help on how to turn his caps lock off.

danishcookie69 has invited basshredder, coorzlite83 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

danishcookie69: GUYS I HAVE A VERY BIG QUESTION

coorzlite83: why are you screaming and what

danishcookie69: ICANT SHUT OFF THE CAPS LOCK PLEASE HELP I HAD TO TEXT MY MOTHEE AND SHE WAS VERY SCARED AS TO WHY I WAS YELLING AT HER

basshredder: Christ, Ulrich. You press the arrow button all the way to the left of your screen, below the 'a' button.

danishcookie69: I CANT FIND IT PLEASE HELp

basshredder: See? There. You've found it.

danishcookie69: I DID??

basshredder: No Lars, you turned it back on again.

monsterfan666: clifffff don't even try he's not gonna be able to get it

danishcookie69: YEAH KIRK YOU SHOULD COME OVER AND HELP ME SHUT THIS THING OFF ;)

coorzlite83: jesuz christ i did not need to experience this please larz whatever you do do NOT invite me over

monsterfan666: LARS YOU WHORE IM NOT FUCKING YOU

basshredder: This is where Burton leaves.

basshredder has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: I WASNT ASKIJG FOR THAT I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP SO I CAN STOP SPEAKING IN CAPS LOOCK I HATE IT ITS GROSS AND UGLY AND STINKEY LIKE JAMES

coorzlite83: why iz it alwayz me getting picked on? we should find someone to pick on and while they're making an album mute their bazz or something mean like that >:).

monsterfan666: what in the ever loving fuck are you talking about

coorzlite83: P O W E R, H A M M E T T

danishcookie69: STOP CHANGING THE FOCKIN SUBJECT AND HELP ME I JUST WANT TO BE COOL

coorzlite83: larz my man, no matter how hard you try you will never be cool. sorry dude. anywayz I'm going catch ya dorkz, laterzzzzz xD  
#waykupkidz

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

monsterfan666: alright fucko I'm coming over but if you pull any weird shit on me I can right now guarantee this will be the first and last time I'm going you your house 

danishcookie69: YOU HAVE BEEN TO MY HOUSE BEFORE THOUGH

monsterfan666: yeah i know but I wanted to seem threatening ok see you in fifteen bye.

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.


	4. Crash Course in Bass Surgery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cliff asks for help from Kirk and James on how to repair his bass tuners.

basshredder has invited coorzlite83 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

coorzlite83: whatz up cliff?? :p

basshredder: I shredded bass too hard and broke one of my tuners off. Do either of you know how to fix it?

monsterfan666: shiiiit that sucks!! i can check it out but im not sure I can guarantee anything? im a guitar player not a guitar doctor. bring it to a store or something?

basshredder: No stores are open today. It is Sunday. I really do not want to get a replacement. I've had this bass longer than I can remember.

coorzlite83: wow that sux ;( i really hope that shez all good?!!?! weve got a show on wednesday and that would really be bad if we're playing a show without bazz. #crappy

monsterfan666: james please stop speaking in hashtags this is a group chat not online. nobody is going to tap your 'hashtag crappy' to see what posts are on there. also why is lars not here?

basshredder: 1: He plays drums so I knew he wouldn't be able to help me in this situation. 2: I don't feel like getting an Internet-related headache because he's always yelling. Didn't you go to his house the other day to shut them off for him?

monsterfan666: he was drunk and passed out by the time i got to his place. he was watching he-man tho so i watched it instead of actually fixing his problem lmao

basshredder: Thanks for the help, Kirk.

monsterfan666: :) no problem, dick

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: you've got any replacement bazz' to use at the show? just in case if you go to check your baby out and shez not ready to be fingered by you yet? hahah!! #lol

basshredder: I do actually, but it's not cool looking. Guess I'll use that. See ya tomorrow, James.

coorzlite83: you too!!! stay ROCKIN''!!!

basshredder and coorzlite83 have left the conversation.


	5. Kirk and the Kool Gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk is unsatisfied with the name "Metallica," so he wants to change it.

monsterfan666 has invited basshredder, coorzlite83 and danishcookie69 to the conversation.

monsterfan666: ok hear me out on this-let's change the name

coorzlite83: what name? O_o

monsterfan666: the bands name dumbass

basshredder: We are not changing the band name.

danishcookie69: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO IN THE FIRST PLACE WHATS WRONG WITH YOU

monsterfan666: hear me out on this

monsterfan666: ready

coorzlite83: NO motherfucker nobody iz ready to hear thiz we are NOT changing the bandz name

monsterfan666: james fuck you

coorzlite83: jaymz*

monsterfan666: ok let's call it 'kirk and the kool gang'

danishcookie69: THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING IVE EVER HEARD WHAT THE FUCK KIRK

basshredder: Kirk please, if, and that is a very big IF, if we were to change the band name, it would not be called 'Kirk and the Kool Gang.'

monsterfan666: awwwwww come on it was a cool idea please

coorzlite83: jesuz kirk no we're not calling it that

basshredder has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: your idea wuz dum and stoopid ok we arent gonna do it

monsterfan666: fuck you

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

monsterfan666: at least lars is still here

danishcookie69: NO ACTUALLY IM WATCHING PORN WHAT WAS GOING ON I MISSED IT

monsterfan666: do you like kirk and the kool gang

danishcookie69: NO ITS FUCKING STUPID COME ON IM MISSING THE BIG TITTY LADY

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.

monsterfan666: dicks

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.


	6. Madonna's Big Madonka's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is infatuated with Madonna's physique.

coorzlite81 has invited basshredder, danishcookie69 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

coorzlite83: you ever stop and think about how madonna haz some huge tittiez?

basshredder has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: WHAT THE FUCK JAMES

monsterfan666: jesus christ james i thought this was gonna be something important

danishcookie69: WHEN DO WE EVER TALK ABOUT IMPORTANT THINGS IN HERE ALTHOUGH I DO AGREE THAT MADONNAS GOT BIG MADONKAS

coorzlite83: MADONKAZ IM LEGIT CRYING LIKE I CANT EVEN RIGHT NOW 

monsterfan666: at least they're bigger than lars' dick

coorzlite83: anything iz bigger than larz' dick dude

danishcookie69: FUCK YOU BOTH  
coorzlite83: hey larz ive got two questionz

danishcookie69: WHAT

coorzlite83: 1: if you speak in capz lock all the time how did you get your username in lowercase and 2: why did you put 69 at the end thatz very immature

danishcookie69; THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I WAS ABLE TO TEXT LOWERCASE AND THEN I WAS TEXTING SOME GIRL THAT SAID SHE WANTED TO LOSE HER VIRGINITY TO ME AND I TOLD HER 'WOW' (IN CAPS LOCK) AND THEN IT NEVER WENT BACK TO LOWERCASE EVER AGAIN AFTER THAT EXCEPT FOR THE ONE TIME THERE WAS THAT LOWERCASE 'P'. AS TO THE 69 I DONT KNOW IT WAS THE FIRST NUMBER THAT POPPED TO MIND BECAUSE IM A CYNICAL IMMATURE ASSHOLE

monsterfan666: you sure are right about that

coorzlite83: haha yeah!!!1! haha boyeeee

monsterfan666: did you guys notice the second that James said the thing about madonnas madonkas that cliff left the chat

danishcookie69: WHAT A LOSER BECASUE HE ALWAYS HAS TO BE THE 'MATUREEEEE' ONE MATURE MORE LIKE MANURE HAHA

coorzlite83: haha!! funny joke larz!!! xD #lol #larzizhilariouz

danishcookie69: THANX JAMES THANK YOU FOR APPRECIATING ME

monsterfan666: lars you need to learn punctuation

danishcookie69: AND YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO GET OFF MY DICK

coorzlite83: oof kirk sorry that wuz such a hard dizz to take :p ok im leaving have a good rest of the day #bye

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: WELL ITS JUST YOU AND ME KIRKY BOY

momsterfan666: nope fuck you im out

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: I WONER IF CHEESE IS ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEAD

danishcookie69: DOES ANYONE EVER THINK ABOUT THAT

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.


	7. The Thing That Should Not Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk, Lars, and Cliff are ecstatic to hear about James' sexual experience with a girl who lost her virginity to him the night before.

coorzlite83 has invited basshredder, danishcookie69 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

coorzlite83: hey guyz xP

danishcookie69: SOO HOWD IT GO LAST NIGHT

monsterfan666: yeah tell us Jamie boy!!!

basshredder: Wait, whats going on?

monsterfan666: some girl lost her virginity to the mighty hetfield last night

basshredder: Why am I always brought into this? I'm tempted to leave but I'm also extremely curious.

coorzlite83: well herez the thing

coorzlite83: yeah she got screwed by me

monsterfan666: james please i don't wanna think of you losing your virginity and thinking about you naked

coorzlite83: then don't think about it dipshit itz az e-z as that jesuz

danishcookie69: OK GO ON JAMIE

coorzlite83: stop calling me jamie

coorzlite83: ok but listen. so she wuz like. 80 double d right. and they had no braz in her syze. so im trying to get the bra off and i tell her i say "lizzie" and she goez "what lol" and i say "why iz thiz thing so hard to get off" and she looks at me dead in the eye and sez

coorzlite83: "oh i superglued it"

monsterfan666: IM LAUGHING tHE FUCK

coorzlite83: HER BONKERZ WERE SO BIG THAT THEY HAD NO BRAZ IN HER SIZE AND SHE HAD TO LITERALLY SUPERGLUE THE SIDEZ BECAUSE THEY WOULDVE POPPED OUT

basshredder has left the conversation.

monsterfan666: look what you fucking did cliff gets bothered by this shit and this is why he hates this fucking band

danishcookie69: KIRK CLIFF GETS BOTHERED BY ANYTHING IF IT ISNT RELATING TO THE MISFITS, DRUGS, OR BELL BOTTOMS

monsterfan666: ok he's right I can't argue with that

danishcookie69: SO HOWD YOU END UP FUCKING

coorzlite83: just the normal way except there weren't any tittiez the entire time

danishcookie69: DAMN JAMIE WELL IM PROUD OF YOU THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO GO WITHOUT IT

monsterfan666: tits aren't everything lars you just wouldn't know

coorzlite83: they are tho it really doez take away most of the experience when they aren't there

coorzlite83: you just wouldn't know since ur a fuckin virgin xD

monsterfan666: IM NOT???? A VIRGIN???? THE FUCK???????????

danishcookie69: KIRK DONT LIE YOU SURE AS HELL ARE A VIRGIN

monsterfan666: FUCK YOU YOURE JUST JEALOUS MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOURS

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: lol hez probably crying right now look what you did larz you're a fucking dick

danishcookie69: I DIDNT MEAN TOO FUCK KIRK HON IM SO SORRY FUCK FUCK

coorzlite83: lol 'fuck fuck goose' lol xP #haha #nailedit

danishcookie69: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING I NEED TO MAKE SURE MY ONE TRUE LOVE IS OKAY BYE

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: AND SO IT COMEZ OUT, LARZ AND KIRK ARE FUCKING GAY

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.


	8. Master of Fuckits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars requests sex from Kirk, much to Kirk's disgust.

danishcookie69 has invited monsterfan666 to the conversation.

monsterfan666: why only me

danishcookie69: KIRK LEE HAMMETT

monsterfan666: that is indeed me

danishcookie69: I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME.

momsterfan666: what

danishcookie69: KIRK. LEE. HAMMETT. I WANT YOUR DICK UP MY ASS.

monsterfan666: jesus christ this sure is sudden isn't it

danishcookie69: IS THAT A YES

monsterfan666: NO ITS NOT A FUCKING YES LARS GET YOUR GAY ASS OUT OF HERE IM NOT FUCKING YOU

danishcookie69: BUT KIRK I HAVE IT ALL PLANNED OUT

danishcookie69: IM GONNA PLAY DIAMOND HEAD TO SET US IN THE MOOD AND AFTER THE BEAUTIFUL SEAN HARRIS' VOCALS GET US AROUSED THEN WE'RE GONNA VIOLENTLY RAM EACH OTHERS DICKS IN EACH OTHERS ASSES OKAY

monsterfan666 has added basshredder and coorzlite83 to the conversation.

danishcookie69: WHAT THE FUCK

coorzlite83: lol were we getting in the way of something or did you want uz to join in with you faggz xD xP #gayz

basshredder: The fuck, Lars? You do know you have Kirk's phone number to privately text him and not that it has to be in our group chat?

monsterfan666: HELP ME OUT OF THIS HELL

basshredder: Lars for the love of god please don't rape Kirk

danishcookie69: IM NOT GOING TO RAPE KIRK DO YOU THINK IM SOME SICKO

basshredder: Lars we're aware you're aroused and horny but I do hope you know there's girls that line up to want to fuck us

danishcookie69: YEAH BUT GIRLS ARE TOO OVERRATED I WANNA TRY IT WITH KIIIIRK

coorzlite83: STOP WHINING YOU BIG BABY xD IM TRYING TO LISTEN TO FUCKIN PRUDAZ JEIST!!!!!!!!!!

coorzlite83: *JUDAZ PREIST!!! LATER LOL

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

basshredder: This is so immensely disturbing and fucked up to read, I'm going to smoke a joint

monsterfan666: CLIFF PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THIS MONSTER IM BEGGING YOU THERES TEARS COMING OUT OF MY EYES

danishcookie69: TEARS OF JOY, BABY ;)

monsterfan666: CLIIIIIIFF PLEASE HELP ME

basshredder: Sorry I had to puke for a second because this migh be the worst thing I've ever seen with my own two eyes. Seriously. And I've seen "John Carpenter's 'The Thing.'

monsterfan666: hey that's a great movie BUt NEVER MIND THAT PLEASE IM SO IMMENSELY DISTURBED BY THE THOUGHT OF LARS FUCKING ME

danishcookie69: KIRK PLEASE TELL ME WHY

monsterfan666: BECAUSE YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF MY INDEX FINGER

danishcookie69: KIRK YOURE SO FUCKING MEAN WE ARENT DATING ANYMORE

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.

basshredder: You guys were dating?

momsterfan666: NO??!?! the fuck is wrong with him

monsterfan666: shit he's fucking crying I gotta go bye

basshredder: Boyfriend to the rescue.

monsterfan666: CLIFF WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN THE CHAT AT THE WORST MOMENTS FUCK YOU BYE

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.

basshredder: And they wonder why I don't stay in this shit any more.

basshredder has left the conversation.


	9. Cliff and Drug's Excellent Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After getting stoned, Cliff believes he is PacMan.

monsterfan666 has invited coorzlite83 and danishcookie69 to the conversation.

monsterfan666: fyi cliff is getting stoned tonight again so if he comes into the convo please be patient with him

coorzlite83: yknow i don't understand how he can just get high without having anyone with him like do stonerz just get high by themself?? im HIGHly confuzed lol :P

danishcookie69: IVE SMOKED AS MANY JOINTS AS IVE BANGED WOMEN SO YOU CAN COME TO ME WITH THIS QUESTION

coorzlite83: no larz I can't come to you with questionz because that meanz you've smoked zero jointz.

danishcookie69: WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME A VIRGIN THE FUCK??? DO YOU GUYS NOT REMEMBER WHEN I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO DAVES GIRLFRIEND

monsterfan666: lars you don't need to go in depth with this yes we KNOW. we fucking KNOW you fucked daves girlfriend because every. fucking. day. you say "lol guise xD i fucked daves girlfriend lol :pppp"

coorzlite83: hey man don't make fun of xD ill fuck you up

monsterfan666: ok guys he's back lets brace for the worst he's begging me to come in

monsterfan666 has invited basshredder to the conversation.

basshredder: YO YO YO YO YO!!! WHAT IT IS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

monsterfan666: hey cliff, what's up?

basshredder: ME YOU BITCHES

basshredder: IM HIGH ON WEED

basshredder: WANNA FREEBASE???!!?

monsterfan666: no cliff. drugs are bad

coorzlite83: nope, can't help you mate :ppp

basshredder: PUSSIES

basshredder: WHOAAAAAAA HOLY SHIIITTTTT

danishcookie69: WHY IN THE HELL SOMEWHERE DISTANT DO I HEAR A REMIX OF THE PACMAN THEME SONG???

monsterfan666: ignore it, hon

coorzlite83: haha you just called larz 'hon' lollll 

monsterfan666: ignore it   
hetfield 

monsterfan666: CLIFF WHAT THE FUCK IS UP BUDDY WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

basshredder: I FEEL LIKE,,,,,,,,

basshredder: I FEEL LIKE FUCKING........

basshredder: I FEEL LIKE FUCKING PACMAN

danishcookie69: CLIFF WHY DO YOU WANT TO FUCK PAC MAN THE FUCK!!?!?

basshredder: NO DUMBASS I FEEL LIKE HIM

basshredder: I CAN EAT ALL THESE PELETS.... MMMM YUMMY PELLETSSSS!!! AND CHERIE S!! MMM I LOVW ME SOME CHEERIES AND PELLITS

coorzlite83: cliff buddy are you sure you're ok

basshredder: YEs KiRrk I am FINE THATNK YOU VSRY MUCH FOR AKSKING!!!!!!!!?!!

basshredder: WWEEEEOOOOWE THIS KEYBOARD ITS ALL RAINBOWIZEDDD AND THE EMOJIS ARE MOVING!!!!!!!!!! GUYS DO YOU SEEE THIS!!!!!!!!!!

basshredder: WEEEOHHOOOOO I LOVE. RAINBOW.

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: thiz iz extremely unsettling to reed ;// 

monsterfan666: i think that's enough late night chat for everyone whaddya say jamie

coorzlite83: i completely agree!!!! gn cliff <3

coorzlite83 and monsterfan666 have left the conversation.

basshredder: WOOOOOOOOOW THEY LEFT?? OK I GEUSS ITS TIEM 2 PLAY PAC MAN LO L.

basshredder has left the conversation.


	10. Drastic (Drum) Measures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars takes some drastic measures finding someone to talk to while Kirk, James and Cliff are ignoring him

danishcookie69 has invited monsterfan666 to the group.

monsterfan666: if this is for sex–

danishcookie69: IT INDEED IS

monsterfan666: bye

danishcookie69: NO KIRK I WAS KIDDING PLEASE STAY

momsterfan666: i just sighed and then remembered you can't hear me

danishcookie69: HAHA

danishcookie69: KIRK

monsterfan666: what fucker

danishcookie69: TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU WANT ME.

monsterfan666: holy shit bye

danishcookie69: NO WAIT PLEASE I WAS KIDDING

monsterfan666: lars

danishcookie69: YES??!

monsterfan666: i want you a lot.

danishcookie69: HOLY SHIT FOR REAL??!??!?

monsterfan666: yes. i want you so bad.

danishcookie69: KIRK IM TOUCHING MYSELF COME OVER

monsterfan666: i want you to leave me the fuck alone you fucking dick

monsterfan666 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: :'(

danishcookie69: MAYBE JAMES WILL TALK TO ME!!!!

danishcookie69 has invited coorzlite83 to the conversation.

coorzlite83: sup larz?? :p

danishcookie69: HEY JAMES, WHAT'RE YA DOIN

coorzlite83: learnin sum new guitar riffz, can i talk to u later so i don't forget 'em? thanx i appreciate it!!! :))

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: DAMMIT. MAYBE CLIFF WILL TALK TO ME!!

danishcookie69 has invited basshredder to the conversation.

basshredder: No.

basshredder has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: GOD WHAT A DICK!!! WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO??

danishcookie69: MAYBE ILL JUST TALK TO MYSELF!!!

danishcookie69 has invited danishcookie69 to the group.

ERROR1981: You cannot add yourself to a conversation.

ERROR1983: You cannot add yourself to a conversation that you are already in.

danishcookie69: MOTHERFUCKER!!

danishcookie69: I THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES HERE. WHAT THE FUCK WAS HIS USERNAME? 

danishcookie69: OH BOY I FOUND IT. OK HERE GOES NOTHING...

danishcookie69 has invited metallicasux to the conversation.

metallicasux: lars?? what the fuck??? why am I here??

danishcookie69: GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO AND ALSO I AM BORED

metallicasux: just bc ur bored doesn't mean u can just feel the need to add me to youre gay chats lmfaooo... im tryin 2 watch a movie....

danishcookie69: *YOUR

metallicasux: wat evr... ok seriously tho why in the FUCK would i wanna talk 2 u, u and ur gay friend dropped me out of ur gay band....

danishcookie69: IF ITS GAY WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A GRUDGE AGAINST IT LMAO??

metallicasux: um.... im not? lol??

danishcookie69: YOURE JUST JELLY BECAUSE MASTER OF PUPPETS IS A BETTER ALBUM THAN KILLING IS MY BUSINESS

metallicasux: you forgot the end 'and business is good', asshole

danishcookie69: GO GET A TAN YOU PALE FUCKER, I KNEW I SHOULDNT HAVE PUT YOU IN HERE I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF IM BORED AS FUCK, BEATS LOSING BRAIN CELLS TO A DUMB FUCK LIKE YOU.

metallicasux: hit a lil 2 close 2 home there, larsie boy, why don't you go to drumming lessons pretty boy?

danishcookie69: WHY DONT YOU GET A FUCKING FACELIFT??? ALL YOUR FACIAL FEATURES ARE PRESSED INTO ONE SPOT LIKE YOURE A FUCKING SQUEEZE BALL.

metallicasux: yea? at least i don't have a 69 at the end of my username lol. bye felicia, done arguing with ur stupid ass.

metallicasux has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: JEG KNAGER HADER HAM, HVAD EN PIK

danishcookie69: ANYWAYS I THINK I WON THE ARGUMENT!!!!! EEEEEE

danishcookie69: I WANT CAPTAIN CRUNCH SO IM NOT GOING BACK ONLINE AGAIN UNTIL KIRK SAYS HE WANTS SEX FROM ME

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.


	11. Shitstaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars explains his encounter with Dave while his friends were "busy."

danishcookie69 has invited basshredder, coorzlite83 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

danishcookie69: YOULL NEVER BELIEVE WHO I TALKED TO YESTERDAY WHEN YOU ASSHOLES WERE 'BUSY'

monsterfan666: i wasn't but you were trying to sext me so

coorzlite83: yea and i told ya i wuz making sum guitar riffz.

basshredder: Well, I'm guilty because I wasn't doing anything. But you're just one annoying fucker.

danishcookie69: ASSHOLE ALERT

danishcookie69: OK BUT THATS NOT IMPORTANT. ANYWAYS GUESS WHO I FOCKIN TALKED TO YESTERDAY.

coorzlite83: just tell uz!!

danishcookie69: DAVE SHITSTAINE.

monsterfan666: lars ulrich that might be the greatest thing you've ever said

basshredder: Why in the hell were you talking to him?

danishcookie69: BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO BE DICKS AND NOT TALK TO ME

basshredder: So you talked to Mustaine?

danishcookie69: UM, INDEED!

basshredder: I thought we all agreed not to associate with him. Also, Lars, you could've talked to your mother.

danishcookie69: MY MOTHER WAS A WITCH AND SHE WAS BURNED ALIVE, DICKHOLE.

monsterfan666: i mean i never met the guy so i don't have much of an opinion

coorzlite83: dude he fuckin hatez you more than any other person

monsterfan666: WHAT THE FUCK WHY I NEVER EVEN MET HIM

coorzlite83: thatz exactly why. i went to tp his house one time and he haz a fuckin dartboard of you with yer face on it. no lie we can go to hiz fuckin house right now and you will see it on hiz wall

monsterfan666: WHAT THE FUCK??! WHY

danishcookie69: BECAUSE YOU STOLE HIS JOB

monsterfan666: YEAH CAUSE IM NOT A DRUNKEN ASSHOLE LIKE HIM??? WHAT A STUCK UP DICK LMAO

danishcookie69: HE TEXTS LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL ITS SO FUCKIN FUNNY

monsterfan666: fuck that what did he say??

danishcookie69: SO HIS USERNAME IS LITERALLY 'METALLICASUX' RIGHT. AND THEN WHEN I TRIED TO BE NICE HE SAID TO ME 'WHY WOULD I WANNA BE IN YOUR GAY CHAT WITH YOUR GAY BAND, YOU AND YOUR GAY FRIEND KICKED ME OUT' AND I WAS LIKE 'IF ITS GAY THEN WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A GRUDGE AGAINST IT???"

coorzlite83: oooh ROASTED!!! 


	12. Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the Monthly Metallica Movie Night, and the guys need to decide on a movie to watch.

coorzlite83 has invited basshredder, danishcookie69 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

coorzlite83: guezz what day it iz boyz?

danishcookie69: FRIDAY?? 

coorzlite83: yez, but i think something happenz on the first friday of every month...

monsterfan666: oh it's movie night

basshredder: Rad. Whose house are we at this time?

coorzlite83: i haven't cleaned in like 2 fuckin months and therez like,,,, 6 hookerz here 

basshredder: Can't be here.

monsterfan666: why the fuck not cliff

basshredder: Um... Nothing to do with all the marijuana I'm hiding.

monsterfan666: nice fuckin reason dude. im gonna pretend i didn't have to read that. it can be here if you guys want

coorzlite83: no bc then we have to watch your shitty monster movie collection. how many fucking times are we gonna see bela lugosi in that shitty 1930s dracula movie. it wasn't scary the first time and didn't get any scarier the last 26 timez we've seen it.

monsterfan666: ill go on a fucking rant about everything you just said don't test me alan

coorzlite83: okay then, lee

basshredder: Referring to Lee as in him or me?

coorzlite83: nah cliff you're good, 


	13. Aftershow Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An aftershow party is being held after tonight's concert.

coorzlite83 has invited basshredder, danishcookie69 and monsterfan666 to the conversation.

coorzlite83: so we're having an aftershow party tonight right guyz?

danishcookie69: WE HAVE A SHOW TONIGHT??

basshredder: Yes Lars. Where have you been?

monsterfan666: oh god lars if you answer that question please don't ring me into it

coorzlite83: larz please don't answer that question now. thatz disgusting

basshredder: Don't you think we should rehearse again tonight? Wouldn't it make sense?

monsterfan666: i think we did enough already.

coorzlite83: by "rehearse enough already" you mean you playing up until motorbreath and then running off with larz to do something i don't even want to think about?

monsterfan666: ...

danishcookie69: FORGET IT KIRK. I KNOW THE SETLIST ANYWAYS FIRST ITS BATTERY, THEN CREEPING DEATH, THEN HIT THE LIGHTS, THEN MOTORBREATH. MUST I SAY MORE?

basshredder: Okay, Lars. But let's talk about the after show party. I do hope you guys know I intend on getting a little fucked tonight.

monsterfan666: YES!! CLIFF IS FINALLY GONNA BE FUN

basshredder: What? I'm fun when I'm not high, what the hell are you talking about?

monsterfan666: ...

coorzlite83: ...

danishcookie69: •••

basshredder: Before I call you all out on insulting me, did Lars just capitalize his periods?

monsterfan666: yeah

basshredder: Okay, there's seriously something wrong with his keyboard, but never mind that. I'm extremely fun when I'm not high, and I'll take the statement to my grave.

monsterfan666: um no offense cliffy but you're the only one without a weird texting style, you're always the 'voice of reason' between us, and you always get so annoyed with everything that we do.

basshredder: So, being the only one with common sense makes me the buzzkill?

monsterfan666: im not saying that

basshredder: Well, I'm here to say this to you: Go fuck yourself.

basshredder has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: holy shit

danishcookie69: THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN THE FIGHT WITH DAVE JESUS CHRIST

monsterfan666: i feel extremely upset

danishcookie69: DONT BE, DARLING, HES JUST GOT HIS PANTIES IN A BUNCH

coorzlite83: yeah he probably started hiz period or some stupid shit

monsterfan666: jamie boy i got a question

coorzlite83: whatz up

monsterfan666: why do you only put the 'z' as your 's' replacement at the end of the word? like why would "sexy" not be "zexy"

coorzlite83: because thatz fucking stupid. doez that answer your question?

coorzlite83 has left the conversation.

danishcookie69: WHY IS EVERYONE BEING MEAN TO YOU IM SO SORRY

monsterfan666: ignore them. let's talk about the aftershow party

danishcookie69: WILL YOU BE MAD IF SOME GIRL TRIES TO FUCK ME? IT ALWAYS HAPPENS AND NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER I FEEL LIKE ITD CAUSE HARM TO US

monsterfan666: no, not at all. will you be mad if it happens to me?

danishcookie69: VIL IKKE VÆRE SILLY, KURS IKKE

monsterfan666: i have no idea what that says

danishcookie69: BASICALLY 'NO' IN DANISH.

monsterfan666: you're cute when you speak danish. bilingual is a fetish of mine you know ;)

danishcookie69: THATS DISGUSTING

monsterfan666: o

danishcookie69: SORRY BUT I KNOW THESE GIRLS THAT GET HIT ON BY SOME INDIAN GUYS THAT DONT KNOW ENGLISH WELL BUT KNOW ENOUGH OF IT AND THEY TELL ME THE INDIAN GUYS ALWAYS SAY "OPEN BOOBS PLEASE" OR SOMETHING

monsterfan666: ew wtf

danishcookie69: I KNOW. HEY ALSO ISNT THIS CHAT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THE AFTERSHOW PARTY

monsterfan666: yeah. don't we have to shower first before we can go?

danishcookie69: YEAH I THINK

monsterfan666: right. so after the shower then I guess the thing begins?

danishcookie69: I SUPPOSE SO

monsterfan666: okay then. see you at the show, hon

danishcookie69: SEE YA THERE GORGEOUS 

danishcookie69 and monsterfan666 have left the conversation.


	14. Fight Liars with Liars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is infuriated when he sees a girl on the street wearing a Metallica tee shirt, knowing that she only wears the shirt for passion and not for genuinely listening to the music.

coorzlite83 has invited basshredder, danishcookie69 and monsterfan666 to the group chat.

coorzlite83: you will not BEE-lieve what just happened xD bee movie meme

monsterfan666: did you touch your peen for the first time and it shot out sticky milk because you were looking at pictures of Jason

coorzlite83: who the fuck is jason

monsterfan666: idk he's your boyfriend whose name is Jason idk him but all ik is his name is Jason god daMn

coorzlite83: okay asshole but thatz not the point, guess what happened

basshredder: What? Spit it out already.

coorzlite83: thiz girl wuz on the street wearing a—get thiz—a ride the lightning shirt. and I said "hey you like Metallica xD" and she just said "no I like thiz bcuz it has lightning on it lol xD" and we both xD'd but it was not a time to take xD in vain. thiz iz seriouz. thiz bitch didn't actually listen to us. can you BEELIEVE that?!?

monsterfan666: you are literally the dumbest piece of shit alive

coorzlite83: asshole no im not. this happened.

danishcookie69: WAIT A SECOND. DID SHE HAVE LONG BROWN HAIR, BLACK JEANS, AND SUNGLASSES ON?

coorzlite83: that was an extremely oddly specific description. yeah, she looked just like that.

danishcookie69: DUMBASS. YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMBASS.

coorzlite83: whAt

danishcookie69: THATS THE GIRL THATS STARRING IN THE METALLICA PORNO CALLED 'RIDE THE LIGHTNING.' WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

monsterfan666: wHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LARS

basshredder: He's not lying.

coorzlite83: i never heard about thiz

basshredder: I organized it. I thought that making a porno would attract more people to listen to our music.

monsterfan666: uh ok

coorzlite83: im down with it az long az we get to watch it xD

danishcookie69: ITS GONNA BE REAL GOOD BECAUSE IM DIRECTING IT. THIS ONE PART CONSISTS OF THIS DUDE SHOVING A DRUMSTICK UP THE GIRLS ASS.

monsterfan666: thank you for describing that to us lars

danishcookie69: YOURE WELCOME!!!!!!!

danishcookie69: I HAVE NO PURPOSE ANYMORE

danishcookie69 has left the conversation.

coorzlite83: why are we making a porno

basshredder: I just said it, dumbass. To attract more listeners to the music. If someone notices the shirt she's wearing, the music in the background, and the fact that it'll say in the beginning "Directed by Cliff Burton and Lars Ulrich" will surely give us a bigger fan base.

monsterfan666: if you say so

coorzlite83: sounds good to me 

basshredder has left the conversation.

monsterfan666: why are we so dumb and why did we let them do this

coorzlite83: why is the one that leavez everytime we talk about sex is the one whose directing a porno

monsterfan666: beats me

coorzlite83 and monsterfan666 have left the conversation.


End file.
